i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
