You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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