We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
