they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There are leaves in my underwear?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
