Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
