I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
