Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
