ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize