I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
