Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
