I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i now understand why vodka
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
