I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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