and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
