I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
