For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize