he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
