i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
