So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
