rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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