the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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