Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
