im drinking this country out of the recession.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
