oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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