Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
