I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
