When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
