i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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