Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
