she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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