Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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