it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
