when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
