My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
two words...techno handjob
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
