I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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