If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
