SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
