I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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