i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
