Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
