What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
