my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
being pregnant is like rehab
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
