I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
