Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just pynch a tree in the face
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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