but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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