Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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