Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
