i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
