Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize