I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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