you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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