fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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