the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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