Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
