I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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