You made me cry and you don't even care
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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