If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize