someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
