I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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