He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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